Glory, Glory, Hallelujah, Jesus You are Good.

A couple nights ago I was cleaning the clutter off of my desk when I came across a painful memory from my past.  It reminded me of how selfish I was at the time and how that selfishness could hurt another person.  As I sat in my guilt, I thought about how much I hated myself and how I never wanted to be like the old me ever again.  I talked to my brother and some friends about how I was feeling and what I was thinking.  I'm thankful for people in my life who steadily point me to Jesus and refuse to let me sit in self-hatred.  One friend asked me if I believed that God has forgiven me for my past.  I knew in my head it would be "theologically incorrect" to say no.  And yet, if I said yes, then how can it be that God has forgiven me, but I am unable to forgive myself?  Mark Driscoll said in a sermon once that saying something like, "I know God forgives me, but I just can't forgive myself," sounds cute, but it's basically blasphemy.  Strong words, but true nonetheless.  How can I think myself greater than God that my own forgiveness is harder to earn than His?  To say that I am too wicked for His free gift of grace is a lie and incredibly prideful.

So here I was, sitting on my floor and thinking, "What kind of Christian am I that I doubt God's forgiveness of me?  Shouldn't I have this figured out already?"  But maybe it's okay to have times like this when we need to refresh ourselves with what forgiveness really means. Maybe we need painful reminders of our sinfulness so that we can truly feel the weight of how messed up we are.  And then we can experience how amazing it is to have that weight lifted.

Sometimes I still struggle with accepting God's gift of bearing that weight for me.  Giving my guilt to another feels like a cop out, like an escape from actually dealing with the terrible parts of me.  But I know that if I just try to be a better person on my own, at some point, I will fail, and I will never really feel free from the endless cycle of striving to be better.  My natural response is to rely on myself to change who I am, but I think that the only lasting way deal with the terrible parts of you is to essentially give them up to someone greater who has the power to actually change you.  God transforms hearts when we continually let go of ourselves and ask Him to fill us with with who He is.

When I am reminded of how sinful I am, I have to consciously place the guilt and shame before Jesus' feet and almost force myself not to take them back.  I feel like Satan tries to convince us that God won't forgive us, so we won't turn to Him to carry our burdens.  And I think, even once we go to Jesus and ask for forgiveness, he tries to convince us that we are still not finished and that the weight isn't fully lifted.  If you are anything like me, don't give in to these lies.  When Jesus died on the cross, he said, "It is finished."  And it is.  If you've given your sin, your past, your wicked heart to Him, believe that He has taken it all and is redeeming you.  Declare to yourself that it is finished and refuse to let despair overtake you.

I don't want to ask God to change me out of selfish intent because "I just want to be a better person and feel good about myself."  But I also know that I don't want to hurt anyone the way I did before.  I know that by drawing closer to Him, He will continually transform my heart to be more like His.  But how do I desire intimacy with Him as an end goal, without the selfish hope of gaining better character in return?  Maybe I need to ask God to show me how being a loving, patient, forgiving, joyful person glorifies Him and not myself...  Hopefully, I'll have more insight the next time I write.  Until then, I leave you with this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQssA0HKYxE

The Best of All Fridays

            Because Alcoa decided to make Good Friday a company holiday this year, I have the wonderful privilege of not thinking about work for an entire extra 24 hours.  Instead of pondering why my parts are failing tensile or troubleshooting troublesome machinery, I get to devote my brain power to reflecting on how good Good Friday is.  It has been a strange last couple of days as I’ve been reading this book about biblical forgiveness.  There should be a disclaimer on the back.  Note:  Side effects may include, but are not limited to:  sadness, confusion, anger, recollection of painful memories, crying, heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea… (that last bit is just Pepto Bismol advertising).  Seriously though, learning about forgiveness opens up a lot of (mostly) unwanted emotions and thoughts.  However, the timing of it all seems very appropriate now. 

As I’m reading through the book, I’m learning that a lot of us have developed a belief that forgiveness is something you feel for your own sake so that you no longer have to be burdened by the weight of bitterness.  “You should let it go so that you can move on” kind of thinking.  Perhaps that is partly true since inner peace is most likely a by-product of the forgiveness process.  But I’m not sure it should be our motivation to forgive.

I’ve also been challenged by the idea that biblical forgiveness is actually a transaction that occurs between two parties.  It’s not something I just decide I’m going to do myself and then WHOOSH!  Some warm tingling feeling fills my body, and suddenly I’m at peace!  Oh, how I wish it were like that sometimes…  What do you do when you don’t want anything to do with the other party?  I like my party.  I don’t need to go to yours.  Mine has rage cage, yours is probably lame.  I’d rather just say I forgive you and then forget you even exist.  That counts, right?

So what does Christ-centered, as opposed to self-centered, forgiveness look like?  I’m not sure.  Maybe the difference is that biblical forgiveness is motivated by a love for Jesus and a desire to be more like the Father, rather than a desire to just feel good.  So if we want to emulate God, then why did God choose to forgive us?  I doubt it was because He just wanted to feel better and let it go.  Perhaps it was because he desired to have our relationship with Him restored. 

When I come before Jesus and ask for his pardon, what am I really asking for?  Sometimes I fall into the trap of flippantly thinking: “Oops, I sinned.  Let me just take care of that and say a prayer of forgiveness.  Ok, cool.”  How easily I forget what is really going on here, that each time I sin, I’m choosing what I want over what He wants.  I’m breaking down the relationship I have with God in which we abide in each other.  And yet, when I return to God and ask for forgiveness, for a restoration of our bond, He is never reluctant to have me close to Him again.  He doesn’t forgive me, feel good about Himself, and then walk away from me.  He actively commits to walking with me, healing me, growing me.

Restoring that relationship seems simple now, and it’s easy to take grace for granted.  But I forget that it came at a huge cost.  And that is why Good Friday is so good.  Why God commits to continually choosing to have our relationship restored, at this point, I don’t really know.  I can never pay back the debt I owe Him, nor does He ask me to.  But I hope He is pleased by my love for Him and desire to see His glory shine in this world.  As I reflect on the day that Jesus paid the price for me to have a restored relationship with the Father, my prayer is that this remembrance will shape the way I view and pursue forgiveness. 

Happy Good Friday to you.

Binding the Wounds

               The past few weeks have been quite a roller coaster for me, and I wanted to share some things I’ve been learning along the way.  This particular ride has come along post-heartbreak, but perhaps your roller coaster is different.  Wherever you are on your roller coaster, whether you’re slowly climbing to the top inch by inch, or you’re free-falling with no sign of stopping, I hope that at least one of these lessons can speak truth into your life and perhaps encourage you during your journey here on earth.  (Also, keep in mind, a lot of the things I’ve written here are stated imperatively.  I’m not really telling you what to do or how to feel, but I wrote it more like I was preaching to myself as I was typing.  Unless you want to take it as me telling you what to do or how to feel, then be my guest I suppose.)

Lesson 1:  Beyoncé is good, but Jesus is better.

               Something I realized while alone in my car is how easy it is to mask my feelings and deny the depth of certain wounds.  I find myself trying to soothe my pain with girl-power break up songs and angry alternative music courtesy of Jesse Lacey (“SO DON’T APOLOGIZE.  I HOPE YOU CHOKE AND DIE!” …good stuff, right?).  I’m not gonna lie.  Listening to Beyoncé tell me that that guy is the “best thing I never had” feels freaking awesome.  Singing along to Sara B. and her LBD is empowering.  But at the end of the day, those words and feelings are fleeting.  When the song is over and the words fade, that emptiness remains, and I’m learning that Jesus truly is the only One who can fill me up.  No matter how many times I blast Taylor Swift in the shower, it can never compare to the one prayer of asking Jesus to take my burdens as I cry myself to sleep. 

Sometimes it sucks to be real with yourself and to admit that you’re hurting.  It’s a lot easier to put your headphones on and pretend that your problems don’t exist.  But I know that the wounds won’t heal unless I am honest with myself.  And the more I admit how much pain I feel, the more I feel God’s overwhelming love pour over me.  When I’m not letting myself feel hurt, I’m closing my heart to His healing touch.

            Don’t get me wrong here.  I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t listen to uplifting secular songs.  Actually, I encourage it as a good mood lifter.  (Cue:  “Let It Go” from Frozen)  Let out that anger and frustration.  Let out your pain and sorrow.  Just don’t lose sight of where true healing can be found.  Don’t let your heart grow cold behind the wall of protection you’re trying to build.  Let Jesus gently take that wall down so He can show you His everlasting love, peace, and security.  Don’t be afraid to cry out to Him and tell Him how much you need Him.  As Romans 5 says, “we glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope…hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  Pour your suffering onto Jesus as He pours His love back in to you.  Trust that your hope in Him is never in vain and that He is using your heartache to draw you closer to Him.  He is faithful even when your circumstances seem bleak.

Lesson 2:  God’s mercies are new every morning.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  - Lamentations 3:22-23

               After this guy and I broke up, I felt (and still feel) overwhelmed with the healing road ahead.  I felt like I needed to hurry up and get over this and move on.  I don’t know about you, but thinking this way makes me feel super stressed.  It’s like I focus on the destination, but the road to get there is so cloudy that sometimes I just feel like not going on the journey anymore.  I read a devotional on April 16^th about God’s mercy for today.  In it, John Piper wrote, “Today’s mercies are for today’s troubles.  Tomorrow’s mercies are for tomorrow’s troubles.”  Simple, but effective.  Don’t spend time worrying about the burdens of tomorrow, but trust that God has given you exactly what you need to get through this day.  And just take it one day at a time, remembering that He is faithful.

Lesson 3:  “Fake it ‘til you make it.” – Connie Liu

               Sounds sad, but it’s kind of true.  After the break up, people kept asking me how I was doing.  My natural response was “I’m okay.”  But then one day, something in my head clicked.  The more I tell myself I’m "just okay,” the more I actually feel like I’m "just okay.”  And that is not okay.  So I made a deal with myself that when someone asks how I’m doing, I’m going to say “I’m good!” or “I’m better!”  (So far, I haven’t been 100% with this, but it’s getting there…)  I think rather than sitting in my negative feelings, I want to choose to feel better, and maybe the more I hear myself say “I’m good, and God is good,” the more it will actually feel true.  Because the truth is, I AM doing well, and God is more than what I deserve.  Despite my circumstances in life, I always have a reason to rejoice.  The unconditional love of Jesus and His amazing sacrifice for me is more than enough reason to say that I am doing well.  I just need to make the conscious effort to preach this to myself.

               “Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

               Let this blest assurance control,

               That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

               And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
               It is well with my soul." - Horatio Spafford

Lesson 4:  Keep going forward.  (And remind yourself not to look back.)

               Throughout this experience, I’ve been feeling a little like the Israelites in the desert after being freed from slavery in Egypt.  There are a few instances in their journey when they start grumbling and thinking that they were better off in Egypt and dying there rather than wandering in the wilderness.  Instead of looking forward to the good future God had in store for them, they focused on what they left behind and longed for something that they simply shouldn't be longing for.  In Genesis 19, before God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, an angel of the Lord tells Lot and his family to escape for their lives and not to look back.  But Lot’s wife looks back as they are running away, and she is turned into a pillar of salt.  In the New Testament, there are similar themes regarding the need to look ahead and leave the past behind.  Philippians 3 speaks of forgetting what lies behind, straining forward to what lies ahead, and pressing on toward our eternal goal.  Colossians 3 talks about putting off the old self and putting on the new, in this case meaning leaving behind the sinful practices of before and living a new life of growing to be more like Jesus.  Heck, even Timon and Pumba share these words of wisdom to Simba, saying, “you gotta put your past behind you.”

               A friend of mine suggested that I have something to remind myself to leave the past behind and to focus on what lies ahead.  So I started wearing this bracelet, and when I feel myself longing for what I had left behind, I look at the bracelet and tell myself, “Kristina, you don’t ever have to go back to that again.  I know you think that what you had was good, but God is leading you out of that land into something better.”  So far, I think this has been helpful for me.  It’s a good reminder that although I feel lost in the desert, God knows where He is guiding me, so I will do my best to let Him lead, and hopefully I will follow.

Lesson 5:  “It’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off.” – Florence and the Machine

               Or as Kanye says, “God, show me the way ‘cuz the devil tryna break me down.”  Same-ish idea.  Satan is a dirty liar, and I’m learning that he’ll do or say anything to make me sit in my misery and forget God’s goodness.  It helps to have good friends who can point these lies out to you when you can’t see them yourself.  When you feel the devil on your back, shake the crap out of him to get him off.  The Bible says that the joy of the Lord is our strength, and when the devil is hounding you, it’s hard to feel that joy.  He wants to suck that joy out of you to make you weak and to turn you away from the One who loves you.  I’m learning to pinpoint these lies, rebuke them, and replace them with the truth.  Let the truth of God’s goodness and faithfulness bring you joy that will make you strong.  Stand firm in that strength, knowing that Jesus has already claimed the victory over Satan, and when you are walking with Jesus, you can claim that victory, too.  In 2 Corinthians 3:17, it says that “the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”  I feel like the more I remember Christ’s love for me on the cross, the more I feel filled with the Spirit.  And more I feel the Spirit in my heart, the more free I feel.  Know that whatever chains are holding you down, Christ has already set you free and wants you to live in that freedom.

Lesson 6:  It’s not about me.

               When I’m going through a difficult season in life, it’s really hard for me to think about anything other than my current situation.  Though I try to take healing one day at a time, I’m also realizing the importance of looking at my journey as a whole and thinking about how my tiny existence here on earth plays a part in God’s grander plans for His ultimate glory.  When I take the focus off of me and my sorrows and my troubles, I can see the bigger picture more clearly.  I see that God has promised goodness in my life.  (Whether that aligns with what I think is good is another story.  I just know that He knows it’s good, so I will trust that.)  I see that there are many people who are in physical, emotional, and spiritual need and that God calls me to minister to them in the midst of my own struggles.  I see that there are people who desperately need to know God’s love, and I can’t let trials paralyze me from sharing that love.  That’s exactly what the devil wants, and I refuse to let him win (see #5).

Lesson 7:  Once you go half-shave, you never go back.

               This really has nothing to do with anything, but Connie, Julia, and I thought about it recently, and it’s definitely a truth to hold on to.  If you’re going through a hard time, think twice before shaving half of your head.  Don’t worry, I didn't do this.

"Praise the Lord!  For it is good to sing praises to our God;

for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting.

The Lord builds up Jerusalem;

he gathers the outcasts of Israel.

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.

He determines the number of the stars;

he gives to all of them their names.

Great is our God, and abundant in power;

his understanding is beyond measure." 

- Psalm 147:1-5

Unrighteous Anger

I was watching this documentary last night on CNN about the assassination of JFK.  As I watched, I tried to put myself in 1963 and feel the pain that millions of Americans felt on that day.  And then I thought..."if the same thing happened to our President today, would I feel that same sadness?"  I'd like to think I would...but I could feel deep down the doubt in my heart...that maybe I wouldn't be all that sad.  And that made me really sad.

In light of recent events in our country, to say that I have been frustrated is indeed an understatement.  I believe some of that frustration is valid.  But somewhere down the line, that frustration has planted its little seed, slowly growing into an ugly weed that progressively wants to claim more of my heart.

A few weeks ago at church, the pastor talked about the difference between righteous anger and sinful anger, and how Jesus himself felt righteous anger towards those who were dishonoring God.  I remember learning about that concept a few years ago, and I always used it as a way to justify the frustration I felt against certain political people and ideologies.  But then after that sermon, my cousin brought up something that I never thought about.  He said that while Jesus had righteous anger, He was also perfect and never sinned.  And so He could perfectly control that anger and feel and express it in a way that was not tainted by hatred or bitterness.  I'm not saying that it's impossible for us to feel righteous anger, but after he said that, I seriously started questioning whether my anger was truly righteous or could ever be righteous.  Maybe it was like the feeling that the Jews had in Acts 2 after Peter tells them about Jesus whom they crucified, and they were "cut to the heart."  I don't want to be too dramatic and say it was like a sword that pierced my heart and convicted me....but more like the Spirit has recently been poking me in the side and saying, "Kristina, you need to watch yourself." 

Satan is a scary little bugger.  He has a way of taking small things and making them into big things.  Tiny bits of anger that come up here and there easily fuse into a huge monster of hatred that casts its shadow over you continuously.  And then before you know it, that bitterness consumes you so much to the point that you question whether or not the death of a particular person would sadden you.  What a grievous realization.

So let me cut to the chase here.  This is in no way me resigning the political ideologies I hold or deciding to be apathetic to the circumstances of our country.  But this is me confessing the sinfulness of my frustration and anger in the realm of politics.  This is me confessing that I have let Satan gain a foothold on my heart and declaring that Jesus can set me free from the bonds of bitterness.  This is me realizing that, in the midst of my anger, I get caught up in my tiny little mind, and I forget the grandness of God and the sovereignty of His plan for the whole world.  And I can lose sight of what's most important:  that at the end of the day, whether you're on the Right or Left of certain issues, Jesus is the Son of God, and He came to this world so that we might live.  I pray that this truth would shape my attitude towards everything, that I would be able to take a step back from every situation, good or bad, and rejoice in the One who is Himself slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.  As David says in Psalm 131, I pray that I would not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me, but that I would calm and quiet my soul before the Lord and submit to His wisdom that infinitely surpasses my own.

It's times like this that truly amaze me because every time Jesus shows me how much I suck and how much I desperately need Him, He also makes more real to me how much He loves despite the wickedness of my heart.  I hope I can learn to love like He loves.  I hope I can learn to respond to frustrating situations with grace first.  I hope I can learn to truly care for those who have different opinions than me, instead of just saying that I do.  It will be an interesting and challenging journey trying to balance my strong convictions with a heart of love.  Good thing Jesus does the transformation and not me.

How Macklemore's Same Love Led Me to Cherish the Gospel

A few days ago, I was sitting in the backseat of my friend’s car when the song, Same Love, came on the radio.  Now normally, when I’m driving, I change the channel pretty quickly when I hear this song come on.  But before you start to judge me, let me at least say, I do this with a lot of songs on the radio, not because I’m super righteous and refuse to listen, but just because…I don’t know…the songs on the radio aren’t that good these days.  And they get over played like crazy.  Anyways, so when Same Love came on, my friend asked if I liked the song, and I immediately said, “No.”  I’m not sure if he even finished his question before I answered.  I could tell my response wasn’t received very well.  I don’t really blame him; I think I said it pretty forcefully without even realizing it.  As a self-proclaimed conservative Christian, it’s probably given that the song makes me feel uncomfortable, which is why my reaction was so strong.  But then I thought, maybe before I dismiss the song, I should read the lyrics and really try to understand what Mr. Macklemore is saying.  So today, during my drive home from work, I heard the song on the radio and decided not to change the channel.  What follows is my train of thought...

               My analysis isn’t very comprehensive, nor can I say that I understand most of what he’s saying.  In one part, it even seems like he, himself, is unsure of what he’s saying (“And God loves all his children is somehow forgotten, but we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago. I don't know.”).  I thought it was kind of funny that he said “I don’t know.”  I also don’t understand how a man who seems to be criticizing the convictions of a people who follow an outdated, thirty five hundred year old book, still thinks it makes sense to use portions of this book for his own agenda (“Love is patient, love is kind…”).  That just boggles my mind.  Anyways…the point of this blog isn’t to address the logical flaws I see in some leftist thinking or to argue my right wing conservative stance.  The point of this blog is to address how I feel about this song as a Christian and to offer some thoughts to other Christians out there who may feel conflicted as I do about so controversial a topic

 

I should state now that all thoughts from this point on are given from the perspective that practicing homosexuality is a sin, the same way that lying, stealing, cheating, sexual adultery, pride, greed, etc. are all sins that merit the same punishment from a perfectly just God.  I’m not going to go so far as to say that being homosexual is purely a choice.  But engaging in homosexual behavior is a choice, and I believe, a sin, in the same way that being tempted is not a sin, yet acting on that temptation is. 

As Christians, we must all remember that we all deserve death because we are by nature sinful beings, and there is no way we can bridge the gap between ourselves and a holy God.  I hope I am correct in my theology when I say that because God is holy, he must punish evil, unless the price of that sin is somehow paid for.  And that’s where Jesus comes in to the picture.  In God’s loving mercy, knowing that we cannot ourselves bridge the gap, He bridged the gap for us, sending His son to pay the price for all humanity for all time.  Jesus' sacrifice on the cross was the ultimate act of redemption for a world bound by its sin.  Through His death, the debt of our sin was paid, and God’s criterion for justice was satisfied.  But the good news does not stop there!  Not only was our debt paid, but we were offered the answer to a new life, a life in which we are no longer ruled by our sinful hearts, but are given a new heart from above so that we may live as a new creation.  Because Jesus’ life did not end in death...though He took on the sin of the world, death had no hold on him.  By conquering death and rising to life, He showed us His victory over sin, the same victory that we can share in when we choose to believe in who He is and His power to save us.

               I want to say for the record that not supporting same-sex marriage is not equivalent to hatred of homosexuals or thinking of them as lesser human beings.  Shocking, right?  I know.  Maybe it’s because, in our world today, who you are is so closely linked to the way you live.  If you disagree with the way a person lives, you are being intolerant; tolerance means you accept their lifestyle.  But many instances in Jesus’ life show that He both loved sinners, but was intolerant of their sinful living, calling them to sin no more.  Loving someone does not mean being okay with the sin in their lives.  To me, it seems that Jesus’ love was rooted in genuine concern and care for sinners, coupled with a desire to see them turn away from their self-destructive lifestyles.

               “But Kristina, how can you say you love them but then reject who they are?  If homosexuality is not a choice, it is part of who they are.  How can you oppose that?”  As a Christian, I believe we should reject “who we are.”  Jesus says in Mark 7 that what defiles a man comes from his heart.  “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”  If our heart is who we are, then it seems clear that Jesus calls us to reject this heart.  He says in the next chapter: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”  Jesus has said that we are by nature sinful - that out of our hearts comes evil.  And He has said to deny, not follow, who we are.  We are called to follow Him, not our own hearts.  But what is the point of denying ourselves?  By rejecting who we are as sinners and soaking in who Jesus is, we allow Him to transform us to be more than who we are.  We must hold on to that promise - that God is continually molding us to be more and more like His Son.  As we continually choose to deny ourselves to follow Him, we allow Him to show us that we are not our sin, but new people who can overcome sin just as Jesus overcame the grave.  Do you believe that you are more than your sin?  Or do you hold on to the lie that your sin is what defines you?  I know I struggle with this a lot.  But be reminded:  if you have chosen to follow Jesus, you are a new creation who can win the war over sin because Jesus already has.

               If you’re not a Christian, and you’re reading this, first, I want to say thanks for hearing me out this far.  Second, I want to ask you:  how are you doing?  Maybe you’re doing just fine, and you are content with your life as it is.  Or maybe, deep down, you feel as though something in your life is lacking.  I want to encourage you that if you’re feeling this way, don’t ignore it.  God is tugging at your heart and asking you to consider Him.  Jesus can and will fill whatever void you may be feeling.  He says in John 8:8, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  What does having life abundantly look like or mean?  I’m not too sure myself, but it definitely sounds good.  I think that if you let God in, He will be continually showing you what this means.

               Though there are many things I don’t understand about or agree with in Macklemore’s song, there is one thing that he is (perhaps unintentionally) right about.  The chorus says: “I can’t change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to.”  At first, I thought, what a terrible outlook on life as a Christian, settling for who you are as a sinner.  But then I thought…this guy is so right, even though he probably doesn’t mean to be.  Because it’s true.  We can’t change our sinful selves, even though we want to and even though we try.  Only Jesus has the power to change us.  And we can be sure that if the power to change comes from Him, we will see change.  So thanks, Macklemore, for reminding me that I can’t change myself, even though I want to.  Thanks for reminding me that my only hope in this life is Jesus.  And what a sure hope that is.