The
past few weeks have been quite a roller coaster for me, and I wanted to share
some things I’ve been learning along the way.
This particular ride has come along post-heartbreak, but perhaps your
roller coaster is different. Wherever
you are on your roller coaster, whether you’re slowly climbing to the top inch
by inch, or you’re free-falling with no sign of stopping, I hope that at least
one of these lessons can speak truth into your life and perhaps encourage you
during your journey here on earth.
(Also, keep in mind, a lot of the things I’ve written here are stated imperatively. I’m not really telling you what to do or how
to feel, but I wrote it more like I was preaching to myself as I was typing. Unless you want to take it as me telling you
what to do or how to feel, then be my guest I suppose.)
Lesson 1: Beyoncé is good, but Jesus is better.
Something
I realized while alone in my car is how easy it is to mask my feelings and deny
the depth of certain wounds. I find
myself trying to soothe my pain with girl-power break up songs and angry
alternative music courtesy of Jesse Lacey (“SO DON’T APOLOGIZE. I HOPE YOU CHOKE AND DIE!” …good stuff,
right?). I’m not gonna lie. Listening to Beyoncé tell me that that guy is
the “best thing I never had” feels freaking awesome. Singing along to Sara B. and her LBD is
empowering. But at the end of the day,
those words and feelings are fleeting.
When the song is over and the words fade, that emptiness remains, and
I’m learning that Jesus truly is the only One who can fill me up. No matter how many times I blast Taylor Swift
in the shower, it can never compare to the one prayer of asking Jesus to take
my burdens as I cry myself to sleep.
Sometimes it
sucks to be real with yourself and to admit that you’re hurting. It’s a lot easier to put your headphones on
and pretend that your problems don’t exist.
But I know that the wounds won’t heal unless I am honest with
myself. And the more I admit how much
pain I feel, the more I feel God’s overwhelming love pour over me. When I’m not letting myself feel hurt, I’m
closing my heart to His healing touch.
Don’t
get me wrong here. I’m not saying you
can’t or shouldn’t listen to uplifting secular songs. Actually, I encourage it as a good mood
lifter. (Cue: “Let It Go” from Frozen) Let out that anger and frustration. Let out your pain and sorrow. Just don’t lose sight of where true healing
can be found. Don’t let your heart grow
cold behind the wall of protection you’re trying to build. Let Jesus gently take that wall down so He
can show you His everlasting love, peace, and security. Don’t be afraid to cry out to Him and tell
Him how much you need Him. As Romans 5
says, “we glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces
perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope…hope does not put us
to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the
Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Pour
your suffering onto Jesus as He pours His love back in to you. Trust that your hope in Him is never in vain
and that He is using your heartache to draw you closer to Him. He is faithful even when your circumstances
seem bleak.
Lesson 2: God’s mercies are new every morning.
“The
steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they
are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23
After
this guy and I broke up, I felt (and still feel) overwhelmed with the healing
road ahead. I felt like I needed to
hurry up and get over this and move on.
I don’t know about you, but thinking this way makes me feel super
stressed. It’s like I focus on the
destination, but the road to get there is so cloudy that sometimes I just feel
like not going on the journey anymore. I
read a devotional on April 16th about God’s mercy for today. In it, John Piper wrote, “Today’s mercies are
for today’s troubles. Tomorrow’s mercies
are for tomorrow’s troubles.” Simple,
but effective. Don’t spend time worrying
about the burdens of tomorrow, but trust that God has given you exactly what
you need to get through this day. And
just take it one day at a time, remembering that He is faithful.
Lesson 3: “Fake it ‘til you make it.” – Connie Liu
Sounds
sad, but it’s kind of true. After the
break up, people kept asking me how I was doing. My natural response was “I’m okay.” But then one day, something in my head clicked. The more I tell myself I’m "just okay,” the
more I actually feel like I’m "just okay.”
And that is not okay. So I made a
deal with myself that when someone asks how I’m doing, I’m going to say “I’m
good!” or “I’m better!” (So far, I
haven’t been 100% with this, but it’s getting there…) I think rather than sitting in my negative
feelings, I want to choose to feel
better, and maybe the more I hear myself say “I’m good, and God is good,” the
more it will actually feel true. Because
the truth is, I AM doing well, and God is more than what I deserve. Despite my circumstances in life, I always
have a reason to rejoice. The
unconditional love of Jesus and His amazing sacrifice for me is more than
enough reason to say that I am doing well.
I just need to make the conscious effort to preach this to myself.
“Though Satan should buffet, though trials
should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my
helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for
my soul.
It is well with my soul." - Horatio Spafford
It is well with my soul." - Horatio Spafford
Lesson 4: Keep going forward. (And remind yourself not to look back.)
Throughout
this experience, I’ve been feeling a little like the Israelites in the desert
after being freed from slavery in Egypt. There are a few instances in their journey
when they start grumbling and thinking that they were better off in Egypt and
dying there rather than wandering in the wilderness. Instead of looking forward to the good
future God had in store for them, they focused on what they left behind and
longed for something that they simply shouldn't be longing for. In Genesis 19, before God destroys Sodom and
Gomorrah, an angel of the Lord tells Lot and his family to escape for their
lives and not to look back. But Lot’s
wife looks back as they are running away, and she is turned into a pillar of
salt. In the New Testament, there are
similar themes regarding the need to look ahead and leave the past behind. Philippians 3 speaks of forgetting what lies
behind, straining forward to what lies ahead, and pressing on toward our
eternal goal. Colossians 3 talks about
putting off the old self and putting on the new, in this case meaning leaving
behind the sinful practices of before and living a new life of growing to be more
like Jesus. Heck, even Timon and Pumba
share these words of wisdom to Simba, saying, “you gotta put your past behind
you.”
A
friend of mine suggested that I have something to remind myself to leave the
past behind and to focus on what lies ahead.
So I started wearing this bracelet, and when I feel myself longing for
what I had left behind, I look at the bracelet and tell myself, “Kristina, you
don’t ever have to go back to that again.
I know you think that what you had was good, but God is leading you out
of that land into something better.” So
far, I think this has been helpful for me.
It’s a good reminder that although I feel lost in the desert, God knows
where He is guiding me, so I will do my best to let Him lead, and hopefully I
will follow.
Lesson 5: “It’s hard to dance with a devil on your
back, so shake him off.” – Florence and the Machine
Or
as Kanye says, “God, show me the way ‘cuz the devil tryna break me down.” Same-ish idea. Satan is a dirty liar, and I’m learning that
he’ll do or say anything to make me sit in my misery and forget God’s
goodness. It helps to have good friends
who can point these lies out to you when you can’t see them yourself. When you feel the devil on your back, shake
the crap out of him to get him off. The
Bible says that the joy of the Lord is our strength, and when the devil is
hounding you, it’s hard to feel that joy.
He wants to suck that joy out of you to make you weak and to turn you
away from the One who loves you. I’m
learning to pinpoint these lies, rebuke them, and replace them with the
truth. Let the truth of God’s goodness
and faithfulness bring you joy that will make you strong. Stand firm in that strength, knowing that
Jesus has already claimed the victory over Satan, and when you are walking with
Jesus, you can claim that victory, too.
In 2 Corinthians 3:17, it says that “the Lord is the Spirit, and where
the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
I feel like the more I remember Christ’s love for me on the cross, the
more I feel filled with the Spirit. And
more I feel the Spirit in my heart, the more free I feel. Know that whatever chains are holding you down,
Christ has already set you free and wants you to live in that freedom.
Lesson 6: It’s not about me.
When
I’m going through a difficult season in life, it’s really hard for me to think
about anything other than my current situation.
Though I try to take healing one day at a time, I’m also realizing the
importance of looking at my journey as a whole and thinking about how my tiny
existence here on earth plays a part in God’s grander plans for His ultimate
glory. When I take the focus off of me
and my sorrows and my troubles, I can see the bigger picture more clearly. I see that God has promised goodness in my
life. (Whether that aligns with what I
think is good is another story. I just
know that He knows it’s good, so I will trust that.) I see that there are many people who are in
physical, emotional, and spiritual need and that God calls me to minister to
them in the midst of my own struggles. I
see that there are people who desperately need to know God’s love, and I can’t
let trials paralyze me from sharing that love.
That’s exactly what the devil wants, and I refuse to let him win (see
#5).
Lesson 7: Once you go half-shave, you never go back.
This
really has nothing to do with anything, but Connie, Julia, and I thought about
it recently, and it’s definitely a truth to hold on to. If you’re going through a hard time, think
twice before shaving half of your head. Don’t worry, I didn't do this.
"Praise the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting.
The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
Great is our God, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure."
- Psalm 147:1-5
