A couple nights ago I was cleaning the clutter off of my desk when I came across a painful memory from my past. It reminded me of how selfish I was at the time and how that selfishness could hurt another person. As I sat in my guilt, I thought about how much I hated myself and how I never wanted to be like the old me ever again. I talked to my brother and some friends about how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I'm thankful for people in my life who steadily point me to Jesus and refuse to let me sit in self-hatred. One friend asked me if I believed that God has forgiven me for my past. I knew in my head it would be "theologically incorrect" to say no. And yet, if I said yes, then how can it be that God has forgiven me, but I am unable to forgive myself? Mark Driscoll said in a sermon once that saying something like, "I know God forgives me, but I just can't forgive myself," sounds cute, but it's basically blasphemy. Strong words, but true nonetheless. How can I think myself greater than God that my own forgiveness is harder to earn than His? To say that I am too wicked for His free gift of grace is a lie and incredibly prideful.
So here I was, sitting on my floor and thinking, "What kind of Christian am I that I doubt God's forgiveness of me? Shouldn't I have this figured out already?" But maybe it's okay to have times like this when we need to refresh ourselves with what forgiveness really means. Maybe we need painful reminders of our sinfulness so that we can truly feel the weight of how messed up we are. And then we can experience how amazing it is to have that weight lifted.
Sometimes I still struggle with accepting God's gift of bearing that weight for me. Giving my guilt to another feels like a cop out, like an escape from actually dealing with the terrible parts of me. But I know that if I just try to be a better person on my own, at some point, I will fail, and I will never really feel free from the endless cycle of striving to be better. My natural response is to rely on myself to change who I am, but I think that the only lasting way deal with the terrible parts of you is to essentially give them up to someone greater who has the power to actually change you. God transforms hearts when we continually let go of ourselves and ask Him to fill us with with who He is.
When I am reminded of how sinful I am, I have to consciously place the guilt and shame before Jesus' feet and almost force myself not to take them back. I feel like Satan tries to convince us that God won't forgive us, so we won't turn to Him to carry our burdens. And I think, even once we go to Jesus and ask for forgiveness, he tries to convince us that we are still not finished and that the weight isn't fully lifted. If you are anything like me, don't give in to these lies. When Jesus died on the cross, he said, "It is finished." And it is. If you've given your sin, your past, your wicked heart to Him, believe that He has taken it all and is redeeming you. Declare to yourself that it is finished and refuse to let despair overtake you.
I don't want to ask God to change me out of selfish intent because "I just want to be a better person and feel good about myself." But I also know that I don't want to hurt anyone the way I did before. I know that by drawing closer to Him, He will continually transform my heart to be more like His. But how do I desire intimacy with Him as an end goal, without the selfish hope of gaining better character in return? Maybe I need to ask God to show me how being a loving, patient, forgiving, joyful person glorifies Him and not myself... Hopefully, I'll have more insight the next time I write. Until then, I leave you with this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQssA0HKYxE
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
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